Ready for a change

I am 30 years old and am overweight. I spent the first 22 years of my life being a thin person, at times to the point that it was extremely unhealthy. During my late teens and early 20s, I hardly ate anything. I would go a day or two before I would realize I had not eaten and it would become a game with me to see how long I could go before I didn't feel well or someone noticed at which point I would eat a yogurt or an apple. Having this control over food made me feel good, at times it felt like the only thing I had control of. Towards the end of age 19 and through 20, I was in a bad relationship. It was mostly verbally abusive. He always told me how fat I was and I believed it. I looked in the mirror and saw what I look like now. But if you look at pictures of me from back then, I look like if you touched me I would break, weighing less than 100 pounds. Once I was finally able to break-free from that relationship, I was able to become healthy again, well at least physically, putting on some weight so that I was in the healthy range. I was able to meet someone, fall in love, get married and became pregnant.

I craved cheese through out my pregnancy with my son and put on weight. It took me two years to lose half of the weight I had gained. I then became pregnant with twins and spent a month and a half on bed rest, during which I put on lots of weight. I told myself I was pregnant and it was ok. Besides, I was going to have twins and a three year old so I was bound to lose the weight... I didn't! I had a desk job, I was always tired and I wasn't happy in my marriage. So, I turned to food...when bored, when depressed, when busy, when celebrating. You name it, that was my reason to eat. If I could have made healthy choices it might not have been so bad, but I didn't.

Over the past seven and a half years, I have tried to do different things to lose weight but was never consistent. I am now at my breaking point (I hope!) I am tired of how I feel, how clothes fit, feeling like people look down on me because of my size. I have found the courage to get out of my marriage and to be more assertive in my professional life, I now need to find the courage, strength and determination to lose this weight...to find the skinny girl with higher self-esteem that I know is buried below this fat and become a healthier me! I know I can make this change in my life!